I was preparing dinner, and I felt like I was an innocent child asking her father, what his thoughts were on something important. I asked Acharya Shree, "This past year, honestly, how well did I do? Did I grow as much as you thought I would?" It was an innocence, with a subtle fear hoping I did not fail. He replied, "You did very good. You improved a lot. You learned to be more disciplined." My heart was happy and proud, my ego a little inflated, but I deserve to be proud of myself. I did change a lot. I think the first year is always the hardest.
Overcoming Spiritual Obstacles
Reflecting back, I had to overcome a lot of obstacles and become aware of the obstacles I was going to face. First one, was leaving California, my family and friends, and move to an ashram. It wasn't really an obstacle, because I wanted this life, I knew it was me, but it was definitely a big change. Actually, I take that back...Number One, of course, was becoming a monk!
Next, was the challenge of learning a new lifestyle - the way I would be treated, the way I was to be around people (I can't really be the super goofy me anymore...) just everything about being a monk. I knew I wanted to be a monk, but I honestly did not know what it would entail. There was no manual for me to read on the do's and don'ts. Acharya Shree's not a person with a rule book. He is a one-liner teacher and simply says, "Be yourself, be relaxed, be confident." That was my advice to live by.
Another challenge was managing everything here at Siddhayatan. Literally everything. Acharya Shree meets and talks with the visitors/retreaters, everything else is on me. From ashram bills, reservations, answering a lot of emails, editing video and audio, working on YouTube, designing the websites, cleaning the whole retreat, food preparation, plus meeting with visitors and retreaters. Plus, still have time to do my own sadhana. It was (and is) a big thing to juggle and balance, because everything was/is my responsibility.
Now that I got the hang of being a monk, managing a retreat, having new and big responsibilities, etc. there is also another slice to this whole experience of my 2008-2009 monk hood year, that is: my spiritual growth.
Spiritual Lessons Learned
I learned (and still learning) not to be affected by people. People will praise and criticize (x5!!!) you, and it's not fun. It's better not to feel anything at all. If someone praises you, let it slip off your back. If someone criticizes you, let that slip off, too. Too many times did I get affected this year by nasty comments simply out of another's ignorance. It was my own ignorance for getting affected, but that is how you grow. My skin is pretty thick now.
I learned (and still learning) to become less attached. I have learned to become less attached to people (mentally, emotionally) because when you are attached to something or someone, you are affected. A very light and funny example is my ginger chai tea. Acharya Shree said jokingly yesterday I was attached to ginger in my chai tea. Before, I used to make it with cardamom, now in my mind, I cannot "drink my tea without ginger", because I tasted and absolutely enjoy the taste of ginger --->> total attachment. :) On a serious note, I have become less attached to people, meaning I do not get super emotionally involved as I used to when "bad things happen to good people". It's the feeling of, "well the person is experiencing that for a reason, whether it is karma, ignorance, or for learning". But my feelings towards them, is less involved. I don't kill myself over it, because a person is having a bad day - I used to be this way.
I learned (and still learning) to become more aware of my anger and ego, and its subtle and sneaky ways to disconnect me from my peace. I have explained these situations many times, for example in my spiritual blog entries: Learning from a Master: Being Scolded and Importance of Balance on the Spiritual Path: Strength & Calmness. By becoming more aware of anger and ego, it is less likely to affect a person in the future. I asked Acharya Shree what I can improve on this year, he said "Increase your Awareness. Be in Awareness ALL the time."
In connection with the aforementioned, I also learned that anger is only a habit. By realizing and understanding anger to be only a reaction as a result of habit, it has less control over me. Anger is not who I am, its just a reaction.
I learned (and still learning) to become more disciplined. As a monk, discipline is required since I am a "Disciple". Discipline in one being aware of not hurting any living beings through thought, action, or speech. And another example of discipline is my daily spiritual sadhana (spiritual practices) which help me grow. By walking everyday, I practice and discipline myself to be aware of every step I take. That wherever my foot lands on the asphalt, there is not a bug (ant, grasshopper, baby snail) that I will crush out of ignorance. By being aware of each step and with absolute concentration, I save hundreds of living being's lives everyday. It's not enough not to "kill humans" all other creatures have a life, too.
I learned (and still learning) that no one can be relied upon, or trusted. I have encountered many people who say they wish to sincerely help the ashram/retreat, offer to take on certain responsibilities, etc. and somehow just walk outside the door and never look back. I've been disappointed by many who make promises they cannot keep, because I am the type of person that when I say I will do something, I actually do it. Also, people can stab you in the back as well. I've experienced this year from some visitors, and I just realized even more that never to trust anyone, even what "appears to be" pure intentions. Deep down, everyone is controlled by their own karma, ignorance, and mind, and if I keep trusting such an unstable source, I will fall flat on my face. I've done it a few times this year...but no more! :)
Positive Spiritual Changes within Me
As a result of my spiritual lessons learned, I have become more aware, knowledgeable, understanding, and less ignorant. In addition, I have seen increased calmness, peace, and relaxation in myself, too. My shoulders are never in pain as a result of stress, as they used to be before I took diksha. I have also seen increased confidence in myself to speak my mind. Although I am still learning how to "think before I speak", before I would just never speak.
Also recently, I had the chance to stand up for myself and what I believe, in accordance with the United States Constitution. I was defending my rights to the freedom of speech, and enjoyed researching and citing such legal articles to make my point. Before, I would just hide and do what the "authority" told me to do. Now, I am defending myself, verbally and through writing, because I have the right too!
Will I ever Leave Monk-hood?
The thought never crossed my mind. As many hurdles I have experienced, I could never leave. I am a fighter (at heart) and do not give up easily. That is why I am a truth seeker. A few people thought I could not handle this life or maybe it would not meet the expectations I had of it. Honestly, being a monk is the most rewarding thing. I don't have any expectations of my lifestyle. I know this is where I am supposed to be, and I do not doubt one bit who I took initiation under. A lot of people do not know my heart, my soul, my knowledge, and my understanding - if they did, they would not doubt me and my choices one bit.
I love being a monk. This is my life, my purpose, my livelihood, my passion.
When visiting California, a friend of mine had asked me, "Do you love it?" I replied, "I absolutely love it. I am happy. I am doing what I was born to do." "Your lucky," he responded, "not to many people wake up every morning and love what they do. I am happy for you."
The Essence of my First Year as a Monk
I learned a lot about myself and about others during my first year. I now know the hard work on the self it entails. The first year is the hardest, but I am even more determined for the next year and the rest of my life to lead this simple lifestyle, change myself, and hopefully help inspire others.
Whether I am a monk or not, a truth seeker is determined and has the fortitude to realize the truth. I am a Truth Seeker, and no one can ever take this away from me.
