Mantras for Spiritual Healing

So I've been considering my writings a lot lately, especially composing and organizing my whole life into a little book. I know it won't happen until I get back from my deployment, and maybe even a couple years from now, but one thing I need to learn and accept is that, I can't hide anything. Every detail I write, every memory, every vivid thought, using senses and words to describe the indescribable. This can't be easy. I think writing a book, memoir, is a life changing experience in itself. You dive into the memories you've chosen to leave behind and forget about, you open doors to your heart that you've closed off to protect yourself, you remember your childhood feelings of being angry, sad, happy and enthusiastic. You relive your whole life, in detail, all over again, in order to put it on paper.Bringing yourself out is a huge step. I mean sharing it with everybody. I didn't think it'd be that hard, but writing a book is basically re-discovering yourself. Its a journey of its own. I mean going to ONE memory and writing ALL about it from peripheral visions, to smell, sight, touch, colors, and so forth. I am so used to writing in general conversational terms. But if I want the reader to FEEL it, and become ONE with it, so that my life is fully available to them, its going to take a huge effort to feel comfortable and secure in expressing everything. I still have no clue what I want to write about. I am willing, but at the same time its scary. I don't really care about others reading my story, I think I am afraid of reading my own life, interpreting it, and watching my mistakes and breakdowns. I have to relive it, and be strong in my current state of mind/heart so that I dont have to revert to what I used to believe. It takes time. Memories, patience and maybe even counseling. Its like opening a door, looking and peering through it, absorbing it, and then saying "okay, this is me.. was me, a part of me..." and then closing the door and saying thank you. Its an emotional experience. In order for a reader to feel the importance of it all and the life changing moments, suffering and healing, you have to put the reader through the experiences with you. You have to put them through the suffering, let them experience it, and then, with the perfect words experience the healing. I want to write a life changing book. Something to give hope to someone like me, a couple years back. I would probably think it was impossible for anyone to feel the way I do now, so even with more passion will I write to show the reader that there is no such thing as impossible. There will be a lot of emotion in my book. Even writing one memory down, I broke down and cried the other day. It will be emotional for me. This is how I can deal with all the things in my life, and unblock it. Writing will save my soul, I think. Maybe it's key to my own inner freedom. I'm not writing for others, maybe I'm writing for my Self and my own growth, but in the process hit two birds with one stone. Letting go is a huge step, and putting myself out there to the world will make me become vulnerable, yet so proud. Sometimes I question myself after I've posted on my journal site. Scared. Will they understand me? Do they get me? Am I too far off in lala-land and high dreams and hopes? But I keep them posted. When I reread what I write, I am very proud of myself. Reading prior writings inspires me to write even more. I love to write. It's where "I" come out. It'll be an experience in itself, when I am ready I will begin. I think I've started already, but I'm sure it'll take several years, to go through my own life, write it all down, with revisions and all, and then publish it. Maybe I will write books my whole life, who knows? But my first appearance to the world, will be through a book. And it will be special.

I really don’t know what I wish to write. Or if I should even write at all. These summer months are the perfect time to begin dedicating my whole self to God, why now? Why not before? What is the difference?

It is difficult in the army, to always be yourself, to always remain in full awareness. Especially as a beginning seeker. It’s a world in itself, it has its own society, its own ideals and morals. You constantly live in a “trained” mentality. Do this, do that, or else you’ll get in trouble and the mission is in complete. Here in Iraq, your life can be possibly on the line as soon as you leave the gate, only allowing fear and anxiety to boil and live within the nerves. Far away from home one can become depressed because they are missing out on the lives of their growing children or spending time with their spouse. The army world is something one must adjust to and live in it, but the true test is not to be affected by it.

As hard as it is, my constant test here in Iraq among soldiers and war is to constantly remind myself not to be affected. I am telling you, it is one of the hardest things to practice. I feel every choice someone makes, I somehow get affected by it. As if it was my responsibility to not have that choice been made. It is a control habit I have developed, afraid of things “going wrong” because I could’ve done something about it. Maybe I promised myself silently that I wouldn’t let any bad happen in anyone’s life to save them from suffering. Why would I take up such a large responsibility. You know how many of us make mistakes. ALL OF US. And I took up that responsibility. Is it because I blamed myself for my mother’s passing somehow, and I won’t allow anyone else to get hurt again, or myself. Is my control my own self-protection? Maybe in a child’s mind, but it doesn’t work that way, yet it is embedded in my mind to always take some type of blame, responsibility for my action or someone elses action. Letting go of control is hard to do. Why do I hang on? Why must I overlook everyone else’s decision? Why can’t I just flow with it? How do I let go of controlling others?

It’s like stepping off a cliff not knowing yet having the strongest faith that God is in control and won’t let anything happen to me. Am I willing to surrender my control and let go of my life and hand it over to God? To fully let go, be happy, and give the whole responsibility of my life and others, and bring it to his hands? That’s a huge step – that is Self-Surrender. I was speaking to Acharya Shree the other day and I asked him: “Does God have a will? How do you follow God’s will?” “That is a common misconception,” Acharya Shree said, “Do not surrender to God’s will, just Surrender to God.”

Surrendering to God doesn’t mean to sit back and relax and let God do all the work. Actually there is more work when you Self-Surrender. You should try and be in full awareness, try and see God everywhere, in “mistakes” in “flaws” in “joyous” moments and even in “angry” times. To see God in an envelope, to see God smiling in the flowers, to see God empathetic towards friends, since it is all God. Also to learn how to surrender the body and dissolve the identification with being separate and immerse in the knowing that you are one with God, I am one with God, and that we are divine beings on the spiritual journey. To know God is always at work, and what may appear right and wrong, doesn’t matter. God is working. To surrender pictures of the past and memories of pain and suffering and give it back to God and not identify with that. To let go of the idea of future and continuous imagination and fanticizing of what you want, or think you want for yourself. To let go, and let God. To be united with him and attune to him. To see with his eyes, listen with his ears, to smell freshness with his nose, to speak only his words, to love only with his heart, to create only with his power. This is God’s body, not mine. To give full responsibility to God. In my heart Self-Surrender is an important step to take, especially surrendering to my own Guru. To let him take responsibility and guide my thoughts, actions, and words. There is only freedom in God – and letting go. Not being attached, nor being affected. To be immersed in complete calmness and silence is where freedom lies. Self-Surrender leads to freedom. Surrendering doesn’t take one huge choice to surrender and then you are with God. It is to constantly remind yourself that wherever you are, that it is God alone you live for, depend on, and who alone dwells in you. Even when you want to be angry, to realize it is God. When you are in love, it is God. When you make friends, you are friends with God. When you eat, you eat God. When you smile, it comes from God. When you think, it is God. When you express yourself, it is God expressing himself. It may appear however “not God” but God is limitless and we can’t put definitions on God. When we see others acting ungodly like, maybe its because they aren’t fully aware of their own divinity, but beneathe it all, is the seed of God. God’s seed is everywhere. Nothing can exist without him. I am nothing without him. My existence is because of him. Why think I must be separate from my own seed. I am a flower of God. Individually created to be myself and show off God within me, in a unique aspect. That is my duty.

As all masters bring an aspect of God to uplift society, all humans bring an aspect of God to the world in their own individuality. It is our duty to find that “hidden” God in everyone, because we are all God. First we must start with ourselves. To find that key that no one else has, to unlock our own self, find the treasure, then share it with all. And as we share it, seek to find that goodness in others. They may not know they have the treasure, but as long as you can see it, for your own self, you can practice seeing God everywhere.

Everyone has goodness in their heart. Acharya Shree said, “The jury convicts a criminal to guilty or non-guilty and may sentence them to death, but God is the true judge, he looks upon their heart, soul, and the whole picture and says, ‘This is my child and therefore he has goodness within him.” Whether we recognize goodness in others, there IS goodness. Sometimes it may appear there is no goodness, but that is our test. That despite what we see, or the words that are said to us, or hurtful times caused by others, to try to find their goodness. The more we try and find goodness within our enemies, the easier it is to fight this delusive life. Amber said to me once, “My perceptions are different from yours. In your room you may only pay attention to one thing, and how you see that one thing, can be different on how I see it. What is important is what it means to you, and not others.” To perceive God everywhere is something to strive for, even in the worst of the worst. Others may choose not to like something or someone, and you may feel pressured to feel the same way, but as long as you are inwardly forgiving, that’s all that matters. God alone sees this whole picture in its real and true sense. He has no emotions nor is offended by anything we do, he just constantly loves us, and sends us more love when we are suffering. All he wants us to do is unite with him, and let go of our own individual wave and merge with him into the infinite ocean.

I would usually post this to my "spiritual diary" on my personal computer, but I am on another computer and feel this is a good topic to write about.
I never used to be into writing...especially English class. I did however keep a couple journals in my younger days about my life. I would switch journals with my friends and we would share ourselves in that way. I didn't have any important things today, or maybe I did, what was important in my life at that time that I wrote about it. I began keeping journals after 6th grade. When all my friends and myself began our adventures in to
"love-life." I wrote down tons of secrets and wrote about the days occurences. I've always been into keeping memories alive. I've kept several things from my childhood to remind me of special occasions, meaningful days, and an important day in my life. I learned from my mom to always keep photo albums. It's history and you can see the changes in one's own life through pictures. I'm glad my mom was a keep-saker, I have soo any pictures to reflect on.

After 6th grade I kept a couple journals online and also kept journals for my own personal therapy. Somedays my pen would breakthrough the paper because I was so angry when I wrote. I had a lot to say, but never really knew how to express it, writing was difficult at first, sometimes it still is to express feelings by words. I still have trouble.

I am glad I've kept my journals though. When I reread them I see how much I've grown and how my life experiences have shaped my life. I could imagine all the stuff I didn't write, but atleast I have a couple.
It was in my Senior Year that I began to write, write and write. Writing lead me to several epiphanies because I would write from the core of my heart and discovered unsettled emotions, or discovered realizations about
God that I never once considered.

If I go into my storage room, I'm sure I have more than one box full of unorganized essays, letters to self, and journals. I created a binder to hold most of my writings, but not all my writings are on loose-leaf paper so
I have a stack of journals too. I'm just disorganized about it. I write when I feel, and sometimes right when I wake up, in the middle of the day, if I'm bored, inspired, or touched. Sometimes at night when something is bugging me I will write before I sleep. Maybe it helps, I don't know. But maybe subtly its helping me through everything I encounter.

When I write, i Write to and from my Self. If I have a question, I concentrate really hard so that the core of my Self will hear me and respond to me, and if not in writing, but a change in situation, or a new understanding I never considered. Writing is my spiritual practice. In writing, I find God. I find the God-creation force within me. I discover new things when I write. I hardly read anymore to learn about philosophies.
I learned that the only truths come from the Self and experience and the only way to dive deeper is to write about it. In thinking, you can think so much that you were lead to a different channel and planet of thoughts, but in writing, you can stay on course, dive deeper, ask questions, and find answers.

I meditate a lot now, but answers hardly come to me in meditation, they come through in my writings. Or then I write out my dreams it will hit me. Writing is meditation for me as well. I feel focused when I write. I have so much to say. My heart does. Sometimes I just want to explode it out on paper, but I can't. I just have to write it out. I don't "think" about what I am going to write. Maybe the topic, but after the first few words,
everything else follows without me putting effort into it. Maybe that is the true flow of writing. When I force words and am trying to prove points, it doesn't work. But if I just write to write, it all flows out.

I do want to write a book one day, and maybe a few little ones after that.

But my initial book would be my entrance into society proclaiming my journey to Self. I'm not embarassed about my life. There is so much to learn from it. From struggle in the outter world to my own struggles within me, and overcoming my struggles through faith, hope, and time. I want people to know what I've been through, as an inspiration that people can get through anything, and that even the young are troubled, they just don't know how to voice their opinions. I want them to see an aspect of spirituality and its influences in my own personal life and how it carried me through the recent years of my life. I don't want to change people, but I do want to bring a new light and perspective in their own life. That there IS hope after the worst times of your life, that it takes will-power and strength to hold on, and patience in order to persevere.

My book will represent all of me. I want people to KNOW me through my words written by my heart. I want them to be intune and intouch with me. I want my "Spirit" alive in the words I write. That once they read it, they know me and connect with me.

I have a lot to say, but the words come out, when they do, I can't force it. Even if I've written about a topic over and over again, it's still different from when I first initially wrote it, because changes have happened and life experiences have occured that could've broaden my perspective on it. I learn things everyday. And sometimes I can't explain what I've learned or know to a tee what I did learn, but I know I learned something, that could help me later on in life. I have a ton of journals here in Iraq - my online journal, my spiritualonline journal, then i have my super-deep written journal, then i have my notes journal, my spiritual diary on my personal computer, and im sure a couple others, oh yes, my dream journal.

Writing is my Self-Expression. It works for me. I am proud of what I write. Because I know it comes from my Highest Self. What I write is from my heart. I can tell the difference when I am using my mind to write. My heart's energy flows directly into my arms and into my hands, and only the truth that I've realized so far will be written. If I feel there is an "ego" energy trying to come through, I immediately erase it and focus back on my heart. I only want the truth of my heart to be written, and not interefered by other feelings. Of course it depends what I am writing though. I have different moods when I write. Sometimes I wonder how the book will fit altogether. I wrote before getting activated to Iraq 53 pages for the book, but I
realized that most of it was forced and out of excitement of just wanting to write a book. I've "let-go" of the idea of writing a book RIGHT NOW, I know the book will happen when it does, but I feel there is nothing wrong with preparing for it by writing now and have notes and written feelings as a guide. Maybe I'll never have to write a book. Maybe I'll just publish everything..it'll come clear to me when it needs to happen. I trust that in
God. It'll happen when it needs to. My Iraqi experience isn't complete yet, so obviously I can't write about it.

I have been writing alot in my spiritual diary, that I still need to add to this website...

I tell people, if they want to know who I really AM, read my website. I AM ALIVE in the words I've written, I AM THERE amongst those thoughts, my being, my spirit, maybe even wisdom is ALIVE. I am present in the words I write. I just feel it. It's my connection to God. I may not know where the commas go or if I am writing grammatically correct, but I do know that I love to write and it'll come out the way it needs to. So this is me - my writings, a huge part of my self-expression. My life isn't dedicated to writing, its dedicated to finding God, but the journey is important, therefore writing about it is just as important.

I didn't plan on writing this much. But I did. Oh well.